yobech505

Pondering Problems

Thinking.  Pondering is what that means, according to some of the definitions found in minds and words of a few of the things that I’ve perused in writings by others.  So I’m using it, I suppose.   Well, yes, I am doing just that.   Thinking.  About what?  Rambling on with no actuarial direction, making sure the books are balanced?  Or none of the above.  Then, I arrest my movement.  Yes to the above.  

What do I do with relationships, in my singularity of singleness?  Do I have even the tiniest ambitious desire to become two with anyone after being just an individualistic entity for the extended period of time that I have identified with that situation?  I would surmise; probably not.   And why would that be the case?  For the lack of want, or need?  Maybe just the act of being in one causes me to say , ‘What the hell do I want to do that for?”  Especially considering (or pondering, as the terminology dictates) where I have been in the twosome field in my  distant past.   Tend to not lend too much weight into it.  Haven’t done well, as histories of mine have attested to.

There are those who are interested, for sure.  And there is me, who is interested, not for sure.  And these can clash like a banana under the wheel of a semi.  Squish   I have this nice flat relationship where only the skin and some gooey stuff exfoliated from it are visible.  Not very appealing and at least, lacking any convincing authority.  Amicable, but not solidified.  Ewwww.

So what comes after the realizations we managed to allow to float to the top of our relationship mindset?  Do we go on or do we say, No way, Hose A.   Or we could imitate a real coupling, not as is actually happening but more like, this is what it looks like is happening, we go from there, but we end from where?

My record says I am not very good at it.  Not always, but sometimes, I put a terminal conclusion to the two, making it one, me, myself, and they, themself, and ‘ere the twain does meet, or unmeet from that point on.  I have sustained a few, until one of us got tired and began running elsewhere, dropping excuses to mark our trail out of the couple thing.  And there were times when I left the colored stones for her to find.

Let me think about it for a minute.   Pondering as I wait.  I don’t like breaking up.  So, to avoid that, I think (ponder) about it and say, why not just avoid it in the primary place?  If you don’t go there, you don’t have to come back any time.  You don’t have to leave or get left.  You just stay stagnant where you are, unmoved and unattended, emotionally and physically.   Painless.  Feelingless.  So, is it a good hiding spot, or just a temporary pancho pulled over my head until a wind carries it away?  I think I mean the pancho, not my head.

But as I ponder further, I like turning to someone and saying ‘isn’t that beautiful’ or ‘yes, I’ll have another cup of coffee.’  I like getting her a cup of coffee as much as having her bring me one.  And it’s one of the nice things when she orders me to look at the coyote running through the yard, her voice smiling with excitement.  

I have to know what I want.  But I don’t.  Or do I?  So after pondering about it, it becomes pretty self revealing.  The adventure is better than the results that may occur from it. I’ve taken chances before.  Some came with reward and some ended in disappointed characters sitting about feeling sorry for themselves (or myself).  By not making a promise to be someone I am not, making you someone you don’t want to be, or just letting things follow the current until it ends or fades into another one, let’s think, or ponder, ‘what should I do next?’